Hey guys, I love that you all liked this post and that you could relate to me in some fashion or form. Just so I’m not fooling anyone, that spark that I mentioned fluttered and blew out! It’s a little sad, but at least I know that I need to continue to focus on myself and get my life together. Not going to lie, it was nice to be a little distracted and feel something like this. The way I’ve been navigating my life is by taking signs very seriously. In terms of this situation, I recently ran into a big flashing sign that told me to turn around, because I was going the wrong way. And there are no hard feelings. I still adore my friend and wish him all the best. I’m a little hurt, but I assume that comes with the territory of opening yourself up and allowing those type of feelings in. For a second, I felt like I was living in some sort of alternate reality.
But I’m hanging in there. Just so many big changes happening at once and I’m trying to figure it all out! I’m an optimistic person by nature, so I’m rooting that it all turns out well. I should probably stick to focusing on the fictional world for now on though. 🙂
I hope you’re all doing well, following your dreams, and of course watching a lot of TV! I’m trying my best to keep up with the array of high quality television options even though the past year has been the most stressful time in my life. I’ve been working on putting the pieces together for this ‘ultimate goal of mine’ to pursue television! I don’t know how it all will pan out in the end, but I’m motivated and excited to be so passionate about something and to be given the opportunity to go after it! Currently, I’m stressed, nervous, and debating on just hiding under my blankets forever. But I’m also super PUMPED!
I’ll save all of the TV talk for my other posts, because I want to be candid here. This blog has been such a perfect outlet for me to express myself. I hope that I am positively inspiring you all to dream big and take pride in the things that you love. Write about your favorite musicians, shows and films, show off your photography, express your wanderlust, talk about your feelings…
And on that note, here’s a life update:
The thing about being 100% focused on an academic or career goal is that life/reality kind of becomes warped. I call it the “tunnel-vision effect” (is that a real thing?), because for the past 3 years, going to grad school has been my ultimate goal with this past year being a force to be reckoned with! I couldn’t imagine anything else that could make me happier. I just knew for sure that I had fallen in love with television and that I found myself lighting up or glowing when given the opportunity to talk about this thing that I love so much.
But what happens when in the midst of following one path something (or someone) else starts to catch your eye? Yeah, that’s where I am right now. I, by all means, am not an expert on life or happiness, but I do know for a fact that life is unpredictable and the things that make you happy and that give you joy should be acknowledged and taken seriously!
A really good friend of mine has begun to mean a lot more to me than I anticipated. This person, whose smile, whose positive attitude, whose kindness, whose inclusiveness and acceptance, and whose drive and passion towards their own goals has floored me! I’m in awe when I am around him. Out of nowhere, here you are in my life and I have to go so far away for my dreams. My dear friend has become a spark who definitely brightens my day. And yeah, it sucks because I don’t think it would be fair to actually do something about it. Even though I want to. All in all – I’m a mess right now!
Basically, I’m experiencing something that’s such a surprise that I can barely put into words. With life and all of the things uncertain about it, I’m grateful that I’m getting the chance to finally feel something other than finding validation in school or work. I don’t know what will happen to this spark, but I’m glad that it’s here at least for now. This specific feeling is new to me, so I’m trying to work my way through it. It’s terrifying, but also kind of great.
P.S. On another note, I’m still working on my Mad Men post, but as you all can imagine – I’ve been a bit distracted. 🙂
Gal Gadot is WONDERFUL in “Wonder Woman”! I can admit when I need to eat my own words. I may have not been that impressed with her in Batman v Superman, but I sure was on the edge of my seat watching her kick butt this time around! What a justice she does for Wonder Woman’s first solo feature film! Bravo! Can’t wait to see more of her in Justice League.
Also, Themyscira was absolutely stunning and I couldn’t get enough of The Amazons! They were fierce! I wish the film could have spent more time on “Paradise Island”, but we of course had to get the ball rolling and enter the land of war and men.
So, it was confirmed today that there will be a second season of Netflix’s 13 Reasons Why!
I know a lot of us are still getting back to our normal selves after watching the first season. It’s been about a month now, but I still find myself staring off into space thinking about how hard this show hit me. I couldn’t eat or sleep during the couple of days that I spent binging it. I had to pause and step away during some of the episodes, so it took me damn near a week to finally get to the last episode. Honestly, I had to pace myself, because the story lines sent me on a roller-coaster of emotions and I found myself having to catch my breath while watching.
Which brings me to this track – “Bored” – and no, this show was anything but boring. I have so much to say about this show, but I won’t be able to really talk about it just yet. I need to give myself an honest re-watch to pay attention to other things and not solely on the emotional aspects. Listening to Billie Eilish’s “Bored” puts all of my emotions into one song. When it opens, there’s this sigh of relief as if Billie is taking a deep breath and coming up for air after being bottled down with so much emotion.
As I really listen to the song, it reminds me of how “bored” I am with mundane things like gossip, trying to look pretty for certain people when they probably could care less, keeping up with the “cool people”, and just trying to impress people that I honestly do not care about and who honestly do not have any significance in my life. Kind of like the “joys” of high school, huh? But if I’m being candid, these mundane things have followed me beyond high school into my adult life and it’s time to shed them! “What makes you sure you’re all I need?” Seriously, I’m so bored with all the crap that people my age worry and care about when there’s this large world out there that deserves my attention, effort, and breath. “Giving you every piece of me.”
And maybe this song is about a girl bored with her romantic relationship. She puts her all into the relationship and the guy always comes up short. The effort just really takes a toll on her and she finally realizes that she’s bored. She’s bored with the idea of the two of them together, because he really doesn’t matter. She should be adored instead of ignored. And all of her time and effort spent on him is just not worth it anymore.
Then of course this song perfectly brings Hannah’s thoughts to a close observation from 13 Reasons Why. All of the stress and harassment that she received from the kids at her school just made her bored. She became bored with her own life, because they were a part of it. Bored with having to continue the routine of going to school and trying to feel excited about something and to have a bunch of bullies snatch it away from her. It’s very sad and heartbreaking to watch and Billie just gives Hannah ANOTHER voice beyond the grave to try to understand her emotions. I don’t agree with Hannah ending her own life, but if you asked me if I’ve ever felt a similar way – I would be lying if I said that being a teen was smooth sailing. During that time, the world is just so small with the hallways and the classrooms. It seems like anything else beyond those four years are light-years away or impossible to achieve.
I am grateful everyday that I made it out and that I got the chance to meet my baby brother who was born during my sophomore year. Freshman year took a toll on me and there were moments where I wished it all would fade to black. I’m just glad that a bigger presence out there beyond this world allowed me to hold on and wait for the good part. Wait for the spark. Wait for the worthiness of life.
This song just brings it all to the surface. And for anyone who is struggling with depression or harassment in school and even outside of school, please keep in mind that life is rich and those that try to taint the way you journey through it are insignificant. They are merely pebbles that you have to kick away from you so that you can clear your path.
Take a deep breath and take it all in and please don’t be bored with life and find something that truly makes you excited to wake up everyday. Give this song a listen and really take it all in. Peace and love to all of you!