How’s Life, Everyone?

I hope you’re all doing well, following your dreams, and of course watching a lot of TV! I’m trying my best to keep up with the array of high quality television options even though the past year has been the most stressful time in my life. I’ve been working on putting the pieces together for this ‘ultimate goal of mine’ to pursue television! I don’t know how it all will pan out in the end, but I’m motivated and excited to be so passionate about something and to be given the opportunity to go after it! Currently, I’m stressed, nervous, and debating on just hiding under my blankets forever. But I’m also super PUMPED!

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I’ll save all of the TV talk for my other posts, because I want to be candid here. This blog has been such a perfect outlet for me to express myself. I hope that I am positively inspiring you all to dream big and take pride in the things that you love. Write about your favorite musicians, shows and films, show off your photography, express your wanderlust, talk about your feelings…

And on that note, here’s a life update:

The thing about being 100% focused on an academic or career goal is that life/reality kind of becomes warped. I call it the “tunnel-vision effect” (is that a real thing?), because for the past 3 years, going to grad school has been my ultimate goal with this past year being a force to be reckoned with! I couldn’t imagine anything else that could make me happier. I just knew for sure that I had fallen in love with television and that I found myself lighting up or glowing when given the opportunity to talk about this thing that I love so much.

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But what happens when in the midst of following one path something (or someone) else starts to catch your eye? Yeah, that’s where I am right now. I, by all means, am not an expert on life or happiness, but I do know for a fact that life is unpredictable and the things that make you happy and that give you joy should be acknowledged and taken seriously!

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Happiness.

A really good friend of mine has begun to mean a lot more to me than I anticipated. This person, whose smile, whose positive attitude, whose kindness, whose inclusiveness and acceptance, and whose drive and passion towards their own goals has floored me! I’m in awe when I am around him. Out of nowhere, here you are in my life and I have to go so far away for my dreams. My dear friend has become a spark who definitely brightens my day. And yeah, it sucks because I don’t think it would be fair to actually do something about it. Even though I want to. All in all – I’m a mess right now!

Basically, I’m experiencing something that’s such a surprise that I can barely put into words. With life and all of the things uncertain about it, I’m grateful that I’m getting the chance to finally feel something other than finding validation in school or work. I don’t know what will happen to this spark, but I’m glad that it’s here at least for now. This specific feeling is new to me, so I’m trying to work my way through it. It’s terrifying, but also kind of great.

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Who knows!

P.S. On another note, I’m still working on my Mad Men post, but as you all can imagine – I’ve been a bit distracted. 🙂

‘Til next time!

Here’s an update!

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Music: “Bored” by Billie Eilish

So, it was confirmed today that there will be a second season of Netflix’s 13 Reasons Why!

I know a lot of us are still getting back to our normal selves after watching the first season. It’s been about a month now, but I still find myself staring off into space thinking about how hard this show hit me. I couldn’t eat or sleep during the couple of days that I spent binging it. I had to pause and step away during some of the episodes, so it took me damn near a week to finally get to the last episode. Honestly, I had to pace myself, because the story lines sent me on a roller-coaster of emotions and I found myself having to catch my breath while watching.

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Which brings me to this track – “Bored” – and no, this show was anything but boring. I have so much to say about this show, but I won’t be able to really talk about it just yet. I need to give myself an honest re-watch to pay attention to other things and not solely on the emotional aspects. Listening to Billie Eilish’s “Bored” puts all of my emotions into one song. When it opens, there’s this sigh of relief as if Billie is taking a deep breath and coming up for air after being bottled down with so much emotion.

As I really listen to the song, it reminds me of how “bored” I am with mundane things like gossip, trying to look pretty for certain people when they probably could care less, keeping up with the “cool people”, and just trying to impress people that I honestly do not care about and who honestly do not have any significance in my life. Kind of like the “joys” of high school, huh? But if I’m being candid, these mundane things have followed me beyond high school into my adult life and it’s time to shed them! “What makes you sure you’re all I need?” Seriously, I’m so bored with all the crap that people my age worry and care about when there’s this large world out there that deserves my attention, effort, and breath. “Giving you every piece of me.”

And maybe this song is about a girl bored with her romantic relationship. She puts her all into the relationship and the guy always comes up short. The effort just really takes a toll on her and she finally realizes that she’s bored. She’s bored with the idea of the two of them together, because he really doesn’t matter. She should be adored instead of ignored. And all of her time and effort spent on him is just not worth it anymore.

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Then of course this song perfectly brings Hannah’s thoughts to a close observation from 13 Reasons Why. All of the stress and harassment that she received from the kids at her school just made her bored. She became bored with her own life, because they were a part of it. Bored with having to continue the routine of going to school and trying to feel excited about something and to have a bunch of bullies snatch it away from her. It’s very sad and heartbreaking to watch and Billie just gives Hannah ANOTHER voice beyond the grave to try to understand her emotions. I don’t agree with Hannah ending her own life, but if you asked me if I’ve ever felt a similar way – I would be lying if I said that being a teen was smooth sailing. During that time, the world is just so small with the hallways and the classrooms. It seems like anything else beyond those four years are light-years away or impossible to achieve.

I am grateful everyday that I made it out and that I got the chance to meet my baby brother who was born during my sophomore year. Freshman year took a toll on me and there were moments where I wished it all would fade to black. I’m just glad that a bigger presence out there beyond this world allowed me to hold on and wait for the good part. Wait for the spark. Wait for the worthiness of life.

This song just brings it all to the surface. And for anyone who is struggling with depression or harassment in school and even outside of school, please keep in mind that life is rich and those that try to taint the way you journey through it are insignificant. They are merely pebbles that you have to kick away from you so that you can clear your path.

Take a deep breath and take it all in and please don’t be bored with life and find something that truly makes you excited to wake up everyday. Give this song a listen and really take it all in. Peace and love to all of you!

‘Til next time.

 

Music: “Love Songs for Robots” by Patrick Watson

“Get up, you get up, get up!”

This song is very emotional for me.

Every day I try to block my thoughts about how lonely I really feel. I keep pushing myself towards goals that I only set for myself and setting obstacles that only I believe will get me to these goals. It’s tiring. It’s exhilarating. It’s also just a way for me to stall. I’m stalling myself from living fruitfully and honestly.

If I had it my way, I’d be living in a whimsical little town where I’d shop at a farmers market and I’d write about everything that made me happy. I would KNOW what made me happy. I would meet people that shared my views and we would have fulfilling conversations in coffee shops. I would travel to see music artists that made time stop and I’d feel like I was on top of the world. Artists like Patrick Watson.

I wouldn’t live in fear. And not just fear of the unknown or outside forces, but also fear of myself. Guys, I’m honestly afraid to live my life the way that I truly want it to be. And it’s not entirely about failure. It’s not about me not being strong enough to pursue my dreams.  It’s how I go about them. I give myself these little limitations to keep myself in check. I like having some kind of control over myself, which means that I allow others to have control over me as well. That way, I’m not truly free to get myself into situations that may be hard. But honestly, living means that you face all that life has to throw at you and you can’t always come out on top. You have to be unafraid to step out there and soar as high as you can. There may not be a perfect calculation or formula to how you get to achieve your dreams. It may be messy. It may be a little unpredictable.

I put myself in a stronghold to feel some kind of security. I honestly don’t know what it is, but I’m afraid of something. Maybe it’s failure. Maybe it’s loneliness. Maybe it’s just me.

Anyway, the point of this is that this song tends to bring out these emotions and these thoughts. My entire life, I’ve felt like I’ve just been so lost. I’ve been moving in circles or moving in misdirections trying to get to some mirage. I’d think that I’ve found my destination, but it’ll move further and further away from me the more steps that I took towards it. I push people away and I stick close to people that are poisonous to my mind and spirit. Sometimes that means family.

I also push people away or keep them at an arm’s length. But I also stick close to people that are poisonous to my mind and spirit. I don’t have a real idea of what love is or what it feels like to be in love. I also don’t know if it’s a necessity of life, but I feel like it should be. I think I’d be ok with looking up and seeing someone from across the room that made everything feel right. That made it all seem beautiful. And I’d equally make them feel the same way. When it comes to that sort of thing, love or romance, I become something of a droid. Thinking that if I say this or if I behave exactly like that – it’ll be correct. It’ll be the way to show exactly how I feel. But no. It’ll just make me look and sound like someone else.

Songs like these are what open my mind to all the beauty in the world. I forget sometimes that the world doesn’t revolve around me and I am a part of something huge. Something that my mind can’t fathom. But while I’m here on earth, I should try to let joy in. I should try to give myself a little breathing room and not bully myself. I should be more open and be more myself. I should just be.

Basically, this song is truly a love song for robots.

‘Til next time.